Separation of Church and Baseball

Since I haven't been up to PNC Park to see the Pirates since the 2007 Season, I was scouting some potential games at the Pirate's web site. I realize that they have recently been outscored by 72-12 in a 7 game losing streak over the last week or so and all indications are that this may be a historically bad year for the Bucs, but I guess it is something in the blood. A trip to PNC is always a blast (win or lose). 

One thing I have noticed in this year's promotional schedule is the paucity of bobblehead-related promotions. But then again, with the scarcity of major league talent on the roster, the pickens are pretty slim (beyond Andrew McCutchen). In the past, a bobblehead or fireworks promotion on a weekend date has always been good for 30K or more at PNC.

Maybe the Pirates need to think outside the box and consider introducing biblical-based promotions like the one Chris and I encountered on one of our minor league baseball trips in 2006.

On a pretty consistent basis, the boys and I schedule in a trip to a couple or three minor league baseball teams each summer. We are within comfortable driving distances of many of these baseball towns, with the South Atlantic League being a major presence in our region. We have been to Asheville, Lynchburg, Greenville, Charlotte, Charleston, and Kannapolis among others over the last few years. We stay at cheap motels but have a blast and the affordable cost of minor league baseball is easy on the wallet.

After hitting Kannapolis (and the Dale Earnhardt-inspired Intimidators) in 2006, we made the trek to Hickory, NC for a SAL game with the (at the time) Single A affiliate of the Pirates, the Hickory Crawdads.

Our game was a Sunday evening tilt in June and, as we walked to the gates at LP Frans Stadium from our parking spot, I heard several of the youngsters surrounding us clamoring about the Moses Bobblehead that they would be receiving.

Since I am totally oblivious to most things spiritual, I started racking my brain trying to come up with baseball-related legends with the name Moses that might be associated with that afternoon's promotion - but I was coming up dry. So I figured it must be some local legend of Hickory minor league lore, like Crash Davis of the Bulls. 

We approach the gate and receive our bobblehead packaged in a plain white box. We tear into the box and stare in amazement at the following:

 

Ever the perceptive one, I am barely through the turnstiles when I begin to understand that this is some sort of Christian Youth day at the old ballpark. On the main concourse behind home plate there is a folk group rocken out some evangelical tunes (nothing like that to get you fired up for the game) and of course the usual posse are handing tickets out for God and meeting and greeting.

At this point, a terrible chill runs down my spine at the thought that there may not be beer available at this event.

 

My fears were assuaged however as I encountered no problem accessing suds that day (though the lines were shorter than usual - imagine that.)

Sorry, but I was a bit put-off by the whole deal. Sort of like the scene in Bull Durham when Nuke gets the call up....

• Nuke: I'm going to the Show. They're sending me up to finish out the season with the Big Club. I'm going to the Show!
• Nuke's Dad: Let's have a quick word of prayer, right here, to thank the Lord for all this--
• Annie: Oh let's not...

I guess some folks won't be satisfied until their idiotic Culture Wars have infiltrated every aspect of this country. Would it kill these people to let some of us have three hours of isolation from this ongoing battle between Good and Evil?

The next day, I sent an email to the Crawdads asking the team when they would be hosting bobblehead promotions for the Prophet Muhammad and Joseph Smith and suggesting that maybe they just go all in and get John Travolta lined up for an old Scientology Night at LP Frans. (Assuming that the big guy can't be beamed in.)  No response. I was fishing but they weren't biting. 
If you can't beat them (or ignore them - apparently I can't), I guess you have to join them. I am thinking that the Pirates are going to need all the help they can get over the next few years in getting fannies into the seats. So maybe these promotions would do the trick.

1. The Virgin Mary/Franco Harris Immaculate Conception/Reception - Bobblehead Night. This works on so many levels. Anything associated with the Steelers of the 70s will bring folks in Pittsburgh out, but incorporating Mother Mary and one of the most famous events in sports history takes it to a whole other place. I bet you this would kill in the Catholic Markets. Sponsored by Sanofi-Aventis with free samples of Clomid to the first 5000 fans (females that is). Variations of this (without the Virgin Mary) would also play well in Utah.
2. Job Bobblehead Night. Can any collection of fans in all of sports identify more with this poor guy than Pirate's fans? This simple figurine would consist of Job with his best "Why Me Father?" look in the front with the Pirate's losing records (from 1993 to 2009) etched into the back of the base. Maybe combine this with a classy pre-game ceremony honoring (or ridiculing?) those fans who have had Pirate's season tickets since the 1993 season. 
3. Lucifer/Bob Nutting Bobblehead Night. Not much needs to be added about this one. As a twist, we can have a pull-cord that, when yanked, spews some of the Pirates's owner's best quips like the one about the Pirates possessing  "the single best management team in all of baseball, maybe in all of sports". On the downside, I am thinking that, mixed in with large quantities of alcohol, we could have an unfortunate scenario unfold where those bobbleheads get chucked onto the field. (Hell, Dave Parker was coming off back-to-back MVPs and he was dodging batteries thrown at him in right field at Three Rivers in 1979.)

Of course, if none of these ideas take hold and the Pirates continue to struggle on the field and at the gate, some can certainly take a cue from this little guy.